Winning and Losing
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Tim hates to lose, but finds winning isn't always better.


I hate to lose. When you lose there's always someone there to tell you 'I could have done that better.', or, 'Timmy, I told you you couldn't do it.', or my personal favorite, 'Face it, Timmy! You just aren't good enough.' Yeah, I hate that one the most. It's like confirming everything I already think. Not to mention it's a real downer, and speaking of downer I'm taking a psychology class. I think the only reason they don't call it 'Textbook reasons why everyone in the world is screwed up' is because it would be too hard to fit that all onto a transcript. Bruce said the class would be good for me. I didn't agree with him at all, but I'm taking the class. So, I think it's pretty clear that I lost that fight, and Dick was there to rub it in as much as possible. Then again, Dick is always there to remind me just how much better he is and always will be. He always tells me he's joking, but he doesn't realize how right he really is about all of that.

Anyway, you would think all of that would mean I love to win. Well, you would be wrong. I don't like winning either. When you win, you learn nothing beyond the fact that whatever you are doing seems to work, so why change? The problem is, there are so many reasons to change, even if something does work. The main reason is, you get too used to the way you do something, and then you get careless. Unfortunately, in this life if you get careless, you, or someone close to you, ends up dead. Then you are back to the whole downer bit. Really, it's starting to seem like most of life ends or starts with a downer--which is a really uplifting thought, no? I was always told I have a very interesting view on humor and life--mostly by Dick.

Dick never takes anything seriously and I take everything too seriously. He is always telling me that you don't shut off your brain just because you laugh and I know that, but the truth is it's just easier to be all down to business when dealing with people. I get answers nice and quick, and I don't actually have to deal with whatever people are thinking or feeling. Dick worries about me becoming too much like Batman. I'm worried I'm already there, and if that's the case that means that's just one more fight I've lost. You see it's just an endless cycle of winning and losing and barely getting by. No one stops, no one thinks, and no one questions. We just follow the cycle and call it life.

And I know that if I opened that damn psychology book there would be a nice big word to describe what I'm feeling, thinking, and doing right now. I know that damn book would tell me it all has to deal with my childhood. Yeah, like I really want to go there. I mean, don't get me wrong. I think that psychology has its purposes, and it's useful. It's just do I really want to understand how people like Joker, Harley, or Two-Face think? I prefer the track-them-down, outsmart them, and take-them-back-to-where-they-belong method. I prefer thinking about them and dealing with them as little as possible.

Maybe my real problem is that I do understand them--at least far more than I would like. Maybe I can see how easy it is for an average person to just snap one day and if it's that easy for an average person, how much easier is it for a not so average person? How easy is it for someone who lives two different lives to just lose it all?

Is that really a fight that I can stand to lose? Where does that leave me if, or even more frightening, when that happens? Where does questioning my own sanity meet slowly losing my sanity? Or worse, will I care once I've lost it? Will I even notice? How can a person be in a completely alternate reality and not notice? That just seems cruel…to have lost everything and not notice. That has to be the cruelest form of torture there is. There are times when knowing that I'm sane is the only thing that gets me through. So, how do I deal with the reality that not only am I thinking about all of this, but I have Bruce to thank for that?

If it wasn't for his insistence that this would be good for me I wouldn't be dealing with any of this right now. Then again, I guess in a way I'm not really dealing with anything...just sort of pondering things. I mean, it's not like I can fix any of it. It's not like I can stop any of it from happening, and that's the worst part. The fact that I can fight and think the way I do and I still can't stop seeing all the similarities between us and the crazy psychos we take down nightly is just disturbing.

Then again most of my life is disturbing, but such is life when you are a bat…right? In my life, there seem to be two types of people: those who underestimate me, and those who think I can do so much more than what I'm capable of. People think I prefer to be around those who push me towards a goal. Not really the case, but who am I to argue with the way people think things work? The thing is, it's easier to be around the ones who underestimate me. When people expect nothing from you, it's easy to give them something…anything to make them stop talking; because, if you avoid a fight, you can't win or lose it. I mean that's the point, isn't it? Not to win or lose, but to survive, and surviving is what I'm good at. At least I hope I'm good at surviving.

The End


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